I talk. A lot. All my friends know that once I get started, I usually don’t shut up, especially if it involves talking about myself. As I’ve become more aware of this fact over the last few years, I’ve consciously made the effort to shut my mouth and listen more. As hard as I try, I still talk a lot, and I talk loudly.
I don’t, however, talk about my emotions. I’ll discuss anger towards politics, or happiness about going to the beach, or sleepiness when I’m exhausted. But I don’t discuss my feelings about my relationships, and I definitely don’t talk about the break-up.
I have a hard time asking for help, of any kind. I’m independent and refuse to show any sign of weakness. Because of this, I wait to express myself until I can’t hold it in anymore. Then I lose my shit for about an hour, and then I’m over it again.
Luckily for me, I have amazing friends. Amazing friends who realize this about me. After reading this post on my blog, i am sure they will be worried about me and are there for me if I need them. They understand that talking about it isn’t my thing, and they don’t push the issue.
The thing is, I don’t mind talking about it because it makes me emotional – it doesn’t. I just don’t want to talk about it because it’s not productive. Logically, I have it all figured out. I know why he left, I know what he was thinking, where he was coming from, and that there was nothing I did to cause it (or could do to fix it). I fully understand the reasoning and I’m confident that I’m going to fall in love again and find a wonderful person and eventually will end up with The One. I know these things – in my head.
My heart hasn’t exactly caught up. It’s been a struggle to keep my head and my heart from communicating these past few months. I’ve been mostly successful, but there have been a few instances where I’ve just let it all go. This is healthy, and I don’t fight it when it comes. I just don’t want him to consume my life. I don’t let men consume my life after they’ve left me.
I just need time. I need time to think and to process and to forgive and to forget and to heal. My friends are giving me that, and I love them for it. I know that when I want to talk about it, they’ll listen. They’ll listen and not offer advice unless I ask for it. It’s not the advice I need – I give that to myself with my logical head. I just sometimes need comfort for my heart.
Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new luck upon me
Oh it’s taking so long I could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart’s advice
I should assume it’s still unsteady
I am in repair, I am in repair
In Repair – John Mayer
